"HOME ALONE; Summer Vacation on Martha's Vineyard": the sequel

By Curtis Dahlgren

"For the first time [in my lifetime], I'm proud of Massachusetts." — Rush Limbaugh

Dad:

Kids, listen up; your mother and I have been talking, and guess what? We've decided to go to Martha's Vineyard this summer.

Daughter:

Oh eeeyew! I'd rather go on a hunger strike than on another one of those wine-country tours.

Dad:

But what do you think, son?

Son:

Does Martha have any daughters?

Dad:

Uhmm — not available.

Son:

Then I'm with Sis. Can we go on separate vacations?

Dad:

When hell freezes over.

Son:

Have you looked at the thermometer out there?

Mom:

Don't change the subject. It'll be warmer by August. Martha's Vineyard has beaches, and we'll get to see Plymouth Rock.

Daughter:

Oh NOOO! Not another one of Dad's stupid geology tours.

Mom:

Plymouth Rock is where the Pilgrims landed.

Son:

You mean where that airliner put down in the water? COOL!

Dad:

We're talking 1620 here. And one of your ancestors came over on the Mayflower, you know.

Daughter:

I didn't know we had slaves in our family. Awesome! Maybe I can go to college.

Dad:

He wasn't a slave. You never heard about Squanto, did you?

Daughter:

Isn't that a new reality show on TV?

Mom:

Time out! One thing at a time here. Martha's Vineyard is in Massachusetts, and Massachusetts is east of here.

Dad:

Right, and we're going to see Boston, where Sam Adams threw the tea into the Harbor.

Daughter:

Was he drunk or what?

Son:

Nah, he must have been one of those tea-baggers.

Daughter:

Oh yuk.

Dad:

Hey, we're talking the 1700s here.

Daughter:

But Daa'aad — why are you always talking about the past? And why are we suddenly going to go to Massa- whatever it is?

Dad:

On account of the election.

Son:

What election?

Daughter:

Scott Brown, the hunk. My teacher says that that was a military coup, and that that Brown guy ought to be hung at Harper's Ferry.

Son:

My teacher says you can't say that!

Mom:

Can't say what?

Son:

"Fairy."

Dad:

Oh, for Pete's sake. You still have no idea where we're going on summer vacation, do you?

Son:

Sort of. It's near Alaska, right?

Daughter:

NOO'OO. That's was a whole different harbor. Remember the Exxon-Valdez?

Son:

I'm only a sophomore. We haven't talked much about history. Except Woodstock and the 1960s. Hey, could we go to Woodstock on our vacation?

Daughter:

That would be awesome. We do get to vote on this vacation, right?

Son:

Yessss! The United Nations says we get to vote on everything. Can we vote? Can we?

Dad:

When hell freezes over.

Daughter:

Well, the Great Lakes are starting to freeze over, and my teacher says that Global Warming is causing local cooling.

Mom:

Quit changing the subject.

Daughter:

Say, isn't Harvard near Boston somewhere? My teacher went to Harvard. Can we go see Harvard?

Dad (throwing his hands up):

NO. The EPA just declared Harvard Yard a brownfield, and Harvard is going bankrupt on account of the stock market crash. Harvard is going to merge with the University of Chicago and move to Finley, Ohio.

Son:

Awesome. Why don't we go there this summer? My teacher says that the President went to Ohio the other day and he had more fun than the tea-baggers.

Daughter (rolling her eyes):

Dad was just kidding about Ohio. He does that every time he gets angry. And he gets angry on account of because we is smarter than them.

Son:

Yah, the old man was probably kidding about going to that vineyard, too. Hey dad, where are we really going to go this summer?

Dad (smiling):

You are both going away to summer school. And your mother and I are going to stay home and learn how to homeschool.

Mom:

AWESOME.

© Curtis Dahlgren