Dennis Campbell
Bless those Nigerians, they just want to make me rich
By Dennis Campbell
After much diligent thought — that is, about 10 seconds worth — I have identified the three most persistent entities on the planet:
1) Male dogs chasing female dogs in heat.
2) Politicians chasing your tax dollars.
3) Nigerians chasing your bank account.
You've got to hand it to those Nigerians. They simply refuse to give up. I am solicited by emails constantly with some kind of offer to make me rich, along with those telling me I have won the Espana Grande Loco Lottery, or that funds I never deposited in a bank account I never opened have been frozen.
Recently, I was astonished to learn that my late mother, a frugal and practical woman who outlived two husbands and, while financially comfortable, to my knowledge never was wealthy, left millions of dollars for me when she died.
For some reason, she deposited the funds in a Nigerian bank.
I know that because the esteemed Professor Charles Soludo, Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, told me so.
He even knew the code name I had established with my mother before her death in case the need for confidentiality arose: Valuable Beneficiary. How would he know that, unless this was legitimate?
Prof. Soludo told me that "Definitely I know that this letter will be a surprising one to you" (the Professor is a very astute man).
"You are been officially contacted by me today because your Inheritance Funds were re-deposited into the 'Federal Suspense Account' of CBN last week, because you did not forward your Claim as the Right beneficiary."
Well, clearly that was an oversight on my part. But then, ominously, the Professor informed me that "We had strange visitors who came to the Bank for the claim of your inheritance fund. Really i had to ask them why they came to see me in person and they said that they were here to collect the Inheritance Bill valued at Millions Of United States Dollars which rightfully belongs to you,on your behalf."
Being the astute person that he is, Prof. Soludo was skeptical: "We in this Bank do not understand why you sent these men to come and Collect your Funds on your behalf. If actually you want them to help youcollect your Inheritance Bill Sum, at least you should have Contacted our customer care department or I, the Governor of this Bank. They actually tendered some Vital Documents which Proved that you actually sent them for the Collection of this Funds. Honestly, it really baffles me that you took such decision without my consent."
Always diligent, the Professor assured me that "Due to theNature of my job, I will not want to make any mistake in releasing these Funds to anyone except you whom is the recognized and confide beneficiary to this Funds."
Now, I really appreciate that. Customer service like that is so hard to come by these days.
But then I got really confused. While Mom, during her 93 years, had visited many foreign countries, I had no idea that she was so taken with Nigeria. It turns out that she had deposited more of my inheritance in the Afri Bank Plc. This according to Senator David Mark, the New Senate President, Federal Republic of Nigeria.
If I want to receive Mom's millions, the bank will be happy to provide me with an ATM Swift Card. This, the Senator tells me, is designed by the Nigerian government to "avert fraud or stoppage of fund by Some Agencies."
I cannot tell you how thankful I am that the government of Nigeria is looking out for my best interests.
Both banks assure me that the funds will be released upon receipt of certain confidential information on my part. After that, some nominal processing fees, a plane ticket to Nigeria and I will be a wealthy man.
Of course, I wish Mom had just willed the money to me in the same way she had done with the moderate inheritance I and others in my family had received when she died. Because the fact is, I'm a little short of funds right about now.
So in the spirit of brotherhood, I am prepared to offer a generous commission to anyone reading this who is willing to front me the cash necessary to claim my inheritance.
Send me the money, and I'll be on the next jet to Africa.
Do I have any takers?
© Dennis Campbell
December 26, 2008
After much diligent thought — that is, about 10 seconds worth — I have identified the three most persistent entities on the planet:
1) Male dogs chasing female dogs in heat.
2) Politicians chasing your tax dollars.
3) Nigerians chasing your bank account.
You've got to hand it to those Nigerians. They simply refuse to give up. I am solicited by emails constantly with some kind of offer to make me rich, along with those telling me I have won the Espana Grande Loco Lottery, or that funds I never deposited in a bank account I never opened have been frozen.
Recently, I was astonished to learn that my late mother, a frugal and practical woman who outlived two husbands and, while financially comfortable, to my knowledge never was wealthy, left millions of dollars for me when she died.
For some reason, she deposited the funds in a Nigerian bank.
I know that because the esteemed Professor Charles Soludo, Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, told me so.
He even knew the code name I had established with my mother before her death in case the need for confidentiality arose: Valuable Beneficiary. How would he know that, unless this was legitimate?
Prof. Soludo told me that "Definitely I know that this letter will be a surprising one to you" (the Professor is a very astute man).
"You are been officially contacted by me today because your Inheritance Funds were re-deposited into the 'Federal Suspense Account' of CBN last week, because you did not forward your Claim as the Right beneficiary."
Well, clearly that was an oversight on my part. But then, ominously, the Professor informed me that "We had strange visitors who came to the Bank for the claim of your inheritance fund. Really i had to ask them why they came to see me in person and they said that they were here to collect the Inheritance Bill valued at Millions Of United States Dollars which rightfully belongs to you,on your behalf."
Being the astute person that he is, Prof. Soludo was skeptical: "We in this Bank do not understand why you sent these men to come and Collect your Funds on your behalf. If actually you want them to help youcollect your Inheritance Bill Sum, at least you should have Contacted our customer care department or I, the Governor of this Bank. They actually tendered some Vital Documents which Proved that you actually sent them for the Collection of this Funds. Honestly, it really baffles me that you took such decision without my consent."
Always diligent, the Professor assured me that "Due to theNature of my job, I will not want to make any mistake in releasing these Funds to anyone except you whom is the recognized and confide beneficiary to this Funds."
Now, I really appreciate that. Customer service like that is so hard to come by these days.
But then I got really confused. While Mom, during her 93 years, had visited many foreign countries, I had no idea that she was so taken with Nigeria. It turns out that she had deposited more of my inheritance in the Afri Bank Plc. This according to Senator David Mark, the New Senate President, Federal Republic of Nigeria.
If I want to receive Mom's millions, the bank will be happy to provide me with an ATM Swift Card. This, the Senator tells me, is designed by the Nigerian government to "avert fraud or stoppage of fund by Some Agencies."
I cannot tell you how thankful I am that the government of Nigeria is looking out for my best interests.
Both banks assure me that the funds will be released upon receipt of certain confidential information on my part. After that, some nominal processing fees, a plane ticket to Nigeria and I will be a wealthy man.
Of course, I wish Mom had just willed the money to me in the same way she had done with the moderate inheritance I and others in my family had received when she died. Because the fact is, I'm a little short of funds right about now.
So in the spirit of brotherhood, I am prepared to offer a generous commission to anyone reading this who is willing to front me the cash necessary to claim my inheritance.
Send me the money, and I'll be on the next jet to Africa.
Do I have any takers?
© Dennis Campbell
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