Michael Bresciani
News headlines for 2010 we didn't see - - but could have
By Michael Bresciani
Here is a smattering of imaginary news headlines from across the nation's landscape of current events. Some might get you to crack a smile or bust out into a good belly laugh. Here is the odd thing, none of them were meant to be funny?
Alaska-
Poor spellers — elect poor loser
Old political machinery found frozen in place
Massachusetts-
It's not a prank they still got Frank
California-
Pot is Not
Brown Still Around?
Denair school officials ferret out dangerous flag boy on bike.
Lawmakers consider renaming California — Mexico Department of Education
Washington DC-
Pelosi not fired — just demoted
Nevada-
Old Ironsides found rusting in Silver State
New York-
Federal Court in Manhattan Brutally slaps Terrorist on the Wrist
Florida-
okraM oibuR — big reversal in Florida
Arizona-
Prez tells Brewer to quit silly lawmaking — Just draw a line and dare them to cross it
Hollywood-
Massive broken sewer line remains un-repaired — Stench fills the nation
Barcelona-
Quarter million welcome Pope — 200 or so just kiss it off
United Nations News-
New Religious Freedom Laws Proposed, the "Just Shut up Resolution"
Indonesia-
Thanks for the visit, next time just send us the 2 billion and stay home
What Jobs?
Gay Agenda-
Home Market Plunges — Lots of free closet space found
Abortionists re-think — gay man declares he knew he was gay before he was born
Sodomy laws — Rebuked, repealed, reversed and re-colored pink
News and Media-
Mainstream media cries wolf over fox they claim is a hog
Candidates in 2012-
Too many cooks apply to make broth
Anyone who can survive that Tundra deserves to be President
Military-
Graffiti found in base shower room "I didn't ask and you better not tell"
Celebrities-
Sheen says it was only an experiment — closet time failed to change her preferences
Atheism-
At least we were willing to die for what we don't believe
Iran news clarified-
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him gather moss
First Lady News-
Two daddies' is OK but one happy meal should be a felony
Sharia Law-
Women's rights groups disappear across America — Was it the Rapture
Economy-
Obama unveils plan; spend ourselves into a hole so deep our creditors can't find us
Israel-
World decries dehumanizing home building on Israeli soil
China-
China to U.S. — What happened to your fortune — cookie?
Civil Rights-
White Honkies demand to be called Italian Americans, Polish Americans, French Americans, Spanish Americans, Chinese Americans, Dutch Americans, Japanese Americans...
Churches-
Mega pastor says abundant times coming — prophets, pundits and economist are all boobs
Airport Security-
Travelers OK with peek or pat policy as long as they don't start glowing in the dark
Senate Ethics-
Rangel defense: Hey, I'm 80, leave me alone
Disclaimer: Not really. If I'm brought to task for any of these imaginary headlines I might use the Rangel defense but I've got a way to go until I'm 80. Considering how long the detainees in Guantanamo have waited for trials in the land of "a right to a speedy trial" I guess I won't worry.
As for trying to explain why these absurdities actually exist in this nation today I can only offer one possible explanation. Perhaps Forrest Gump's mother was right "stupid is as stupid does." No insult intended to all those Americans who have not lost their way; for the rest I guess I'll have to resort to the "if the shoe fits" defense.
If for some reason all these defenses fail I will then resort to hiring a lawyer who knows how to get me a venue in a Manhattan Federal Court. I hear they are real easy there.
Tongue in cheek makes fun of absurdities in a backdoor kind of way but describing these things such as they are also has a ring of truth and sadness too it. Yanking prayer out of our schools in the sixties seemed liked a small matter to some, but now we have actually come to the place where our own President skipped the National Day of Prayer for other things. The headline that might be appropriate for this generation could be, "America enters the fast paced and confusing twenty first century — Hasn't got a prayer"
Do I really think a few prayers would change the headlines and make life a little less confusing? A more honest question would be; how have we been doing without prayers so far? My best advice is that we never let a single day pass without asking God to help our nation.
The Apostle James clearly said that no prayer goes unheeded and no prayer is without some result.
"The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." (James 5: 16)
© Michael Bresciani
November 21, 2010
Here is a smattering of imaginary news headlines from across the nation's landscape of current events. Some might get you to crack a smile or bust out into a good belly laugh. Here is the odd thing, none of them were meant to be funny?
Alaska-
Poor spellers — elect poor loser
Old political machinery found frozen in place
Massachusetts-
It's not a prank they still got Frank
California-
Pot is Not
Brown Still Around?
Denair school officials ferret out dangerous flag boy on bike.
Lawmakers consider renaming California — Mexico Department of Education
Washington DC-
Pelosi not fired — just demoted
Nevada-
Old Ironsides found rusting in Silver State
New York-
Federal Court in Manhattan Brutally slaps Terrorist on the Wrist
Florida-
okraM oibuR — big reversal in Florida
Arizona-
Prez tells Brewer to quit silly lawmaking — Just draw a line and dare them to cross it
Hollywood-
Massive broken sewer line remains un-repaired — Stench fills the nation
Barcelona-
Quarter million welcome Pope — 200 or so just kiss it off
United Nations News-
New Religious Freedom Laws Proposed, the "Just Shut up Resolution"
Indonesia-
Thanks for the visit, next time just send us the 2 billion and stay home
What Jobs?
Gay Agenda-
Home Market Plunges — Lots of free closet space found
Abortionists re-think — gay man declares he knew he was gay before he was born
Sodomy laws — Rebuked, repealed, reversed and re-colored pink
News and Media-
Mainstream media cries wolf over fox they claim is a hog
Candidates in 2012-
Too many cooks apply to make broth
Anyone who can survive that Tundra deserves to be President
Military-
Graffiti found in base shower room "I didn't ask and you better not tell"
Celebrities-
Sheen says it was only an experiment — closet time failed to change her preferences
Atheism-
At least we were willing to die for what we don't believe
Iran news clarified-
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him gather moss
First Lady News-
Two daddies' is OK but one happy meal should be a felony
Sharia Law-
Women's rights groups disappear across America — Was it the Rapture
Economy-
Obama unveils plan; spend ourselves into a hole so deep our creditors can't find us
Israel-
World decries dehumanizing home building on Israeli soil
China-
China to U.S. — What happened to your fortune — cookie?
Civil Rights-
White Honkies demand to be called Italian Americans, Polish Americans, French Americans, Spanish Americans, Chinese Americans, Dutch Americans, Japanese Americans...
Churches-
Mega pastor says abundant times coming — prophets, pundits and economist are all boobs
Airport Security-
Travelers OK with peek or pat policy as long as they don't start glowing in the dark
Senate Ethics-
Rangel defense: Hey, I'm 80, leave me alone
Disclaimer: Not really. If I'm brought to task for any of these imaginary headlines I might use the Rangel defense but I've got a way to go until I'm 80. Considering how long the detainees in Guantanamo have waited for trials in the land of "a right to a speedy trial" I guess I won't worry.
As for trying to explain why these absurdities actually exist in this nation today I can only offer one possible explanation. Perhaps Forrest Gump's mother was right "stupid is as stupid does." No insult intended to all those Americans who have not lost their way; for the rest I guess I'll have to resort to the "if the shoe fits" defense.
If for some reason all these defenses fail I will then resort to hiring a lawyer who knows how to get me a venue in a Manhattan Federal Court. I hear they are real easy there.
Tongue in cheek makes fun of absurdities in a backdoor kind of way but describing these things such as they are also has a ring of truth and sadness too it. Yanking prayer out of our schools in the sixties seemed liked a small matter to some, but now we have actually come to the place where our own President skipped the National Day of Prayer for other things. The headline that might be appropriate for this generation could be, "America enters the fast paced and confusing twenty first century — Hasn't got a prayer"
Do I really think a few prayers would change the headlines and make life a little less confusing? A more honest question would be; how have we been doing without prayers so far? My best advice is that we never let a single day pass without asking God to help our nation.
The Apostle James clearly said that no prayer goes unheeded and no prayer is without some result.
"The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." (James 5: 16)
© Michael Bresciani
The views expressed by RenewAmerica columnists are their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of RenewAmerica or its affiliates.
(See RenewAmerica's publishing standards.)
