Curtis Dahlgren
It's Groundhog Day all over again
By Curtis Dahlgren
February 2, 2020

"Bill Murray's character got a little better every day. During the "impeachment," the House managers got worse every day." – someone said

I'm not saying Democrats in Congress are all liars, but let's just say they fell from the truth as they were trying to climb towards it. When it comes time to slop the hogs, they have to have someone else go 'Soo-eee!" for them. When it's time for the cows to come home, their wives have to go "C'm Boss" for them. Their silo doesn't have roof on it and the ladder doesn't go all the way to the top. They're such rubes, their chickens are comin' home to roost and the fox is in the hen house. As one Senator said about his opponent, 'If I were a hen, I'd roost real high until he passed by."

A blonde was being sworn in as a witness and she goes like, "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing like the truth."

The flying rumours gather'd as they rolled,
Scarce any tale was sooner heard than told;
And all who told it added something new,
And all who heard it made enlargements too.
In every ear it spread, on every tongue it grew.
- A. Pope

The impeachment managers didn't want Schiff to testify because he might have had to go back on some things he's said. Like the woman on the stand who asked the judge if she could correct something. "I was so flustered at this, my first appearance under oath," she said, "that when the prosecutor asked my age, I gave my bust measurement."

The Justice asked the impeachment managers to hold up their right hands and tell the truth. One of them held up his left hand. When he was admonished, he looked at the Justice and says:

"Your honor, to tell the truth, I'm left-handed."

A frustrated witness in a criminal trial said, "Your honor, I'd like to tell the story in my own way without the constant interruptions of that slick-looking shyster . . "

"Now madam," says the judge. "This court will not tolerate slanderous allegations. You mean 'the attorney for the prosecution.'"

"I'm sorry, your honor," she says. "I just want to tell what I saw without being interrupted every minute by that –

"Excuse me, but what was that gorgeous title you gave that slick-looking shyster?"

Notre Dame's center was testifying in some civil case, and the judge asked, "Are you the Szymanski who plays football?"

And he says 'Yes, I play center."

The judge says, "Are you a good center?" And he says:

"I'm the best center Notre Dame ever had." Coach Leahy was surprised; usually the kid was such a modest person. When he asked the player about that, Szymanski says:

"I hated to say that, coach, but after all, I was under oath."

Going into the Senate trial, the Democrats were as optimistic as Pavlov's dogs. But they treated the facts like a drunk uses a lamppost. For support rather than illumination."

Sir Henry Irving was on the witness stand in a case against a street robber. The thief's lawyer asked him "At what hour did the incident occur?" And Irving says:

"I think – "

The lawyer goes, 'It isn't what you THINK we want to know."

The actor Irving turns to the judge and says:

"Your honor, I might as well leave. I can't talk without thinking. I'm not a lawyer, you know."

A strict judge questioned a holier-than-thou witness about his honesty. "Your honor," says the witness, "I was never caned but once in my life and that was for speaking the truth."

The judge says, "Probably cured you, didn't it?"

A prosecutor in Portland in a case of stolen property rested his case. The defense attorrney told his client to tell the jury everything "you don't know about this case." The judge says:

"How is he going to tell all that he doesn't know about this case?", and the attorney says:

"Your honor, that's what the witnesses for the OTHER side have been doing."

P.S. Final word: Adam Schiff was signed on by Miramax. They want him to screenwrite a new movie about political intrigue including Russian prostitutes, corrupt Oligarchs and their menacing plans to "steal more elections," (a friend on Facebook says).

Final FINAL word on Impeachment: "If the facts don't fit, you must acquit." (just made that one up)

PPS: Well, maybe one more. As the Fuller brush salesman used to say, "I rest my case."

[Most of the legal jokes came from a book entitled "Laughter is Legal." It was published in 1969, when joking around WAS legal. It's still available at used book sites.]

A rube from the backwoods was on the stand and used the word "non-possibility." A lawyer for the other side jumped on that right away and asked him:

"Can you give this court and the jury an example of a 'non-possibility'?" The hick from the sticks was reluctant to do so, but after being prodded by the lawyer, he says:

"Wal, it'd be a non-possibility to make your mouth any bigger wifout settin' yo ears further back."

© Curtis Dahlgren


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Curtis Dahlgren

Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in southern Wisconsin, and is the author of "Massey-Harris 101." His career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton... (more)


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