Staying ahead of the "Television, teleprompter, tell-a-tubby Blitzkrieg" (part 3)

By Curtis Dahlgren

"Paradoxically, the people who like say that public servants are "all alike," and "they're all crooks," are the very same people who now want politicians to micro-manage local affairs, our personal lives, and the private sector more and more from far-off Washington DC." — Curt Dahlgren, "No More Bull: America, Please Phone Home"; Author House (my first book and from my very first column)

"Never waste a good crisis." — Nancy Pelosi

THE CRAZY P.R. CAMPAIGN CONTINUES. I wish that someone with the time to do it would find out — through a Freedom of Information request — how much taxpayer money is being spent by the White House on focus-group polling and professional Public Relations consultants. They keep trotting out a villain-of-the-week, plus of course, their heroic "dragon-slaying" moment of the week.

A while back it was Rush Limbaugh as villain, and Timothy Geithner to the rescue. Then it was Republicans who said "NO" as villains, and Nancy Pelosi off to Rome to "rescue the Pope" from his backward ways. This week the villain is AIG, with "Sir Lancelot" played by Barney Frank. But will this all play in Peoria? As one who once lived in that area, I can "guarantee ya" that it won't.

While the White House goes on the offensive against "entertainers," Senator Schumer has entertained passing a precedent-setting "100 percent tax" on certain U.S. citizens, while (of course!) more and more candidates for the Cabinet seem to have had no fear of the IRS whatsoever. What's going on here? Are most of the employees of the IRS union member Democrats? Any day now I expect to read that Richard Nixon is to be prosecuted in absentia for not having paid income taxes on the gift of his dog Checkers, while the new Treasury Secretary will be excused for not paying any taxes at all (because they can't find anyone else to take the job).

In the fuzzy-wuzzy Wonderland of double-standards, the exterminator Tom Delay will go to jail and former President Bush will be impeached retroactively (both of them). Arnold whats-his-name (the Terminator) will run for President, and when announcing at the California GOP convention that he's switching parties, he will receive a standing ovation.

We will "rehabilitate" enemy combatant terrorists (sorry — I know Orwell would say that those are now verboten words), but seriously "folks," since the news' news that sixties radical Sara Jane Olson is to be released, I wonder who's next — the guy who shot President Reagan, and Sarah Jane Moore (if she's still alive)? Why not Charles Manson? At least he's paid some of his "dues." Maybe he could get a job in the Department of Health and Human Services under "Dr. Tiller."

I know, I know, it's hard to out-satirize the actual daily headlines in the news, so let's start with a few of those:

- "Too-fat-to-work family demands more welfare" [for food, I assume].

- "Russia to base bombers in Cuba" [State Dept. says "So what?"]

- "President Obama signs U.N. pro-gay resolution" [that'll really appease Islam]

- "Missouri State Police on the look out for cars with Ron Paul bumper stickers" [terrorists]

- "Senator Dodd was the number one recipient of AIG contributions" [er, "investments"]

- "President Obama received $100,000 from the people who wrecked AIG [SO?]

- "Senator Dodd admits to inserting loophole into 'Bailout bill'" [honest men stay bought]

- "Teenagers using a cattle drug for self-induced abortions" [the "most-evolved" generation!]

- "Expedition to North Pole to measure Arctic ice halted by cold weather" [or what?]

- "Undersea volcano near Tonga watched closely by scientists [at least it's a warmer job]

- "Some Gitmo detainees may be released into the USA" [for jobs Americans won't do?]

- "Nancy Pelosi calls immigration laws 'Un-American'" [not enough unemployment yet?]

- "Cap-and-trade policy could cost U.S. businesses two trillion dollars" [2,000 Billions]

- "U.S. backs global currency alternative to the greenback" [see previous headline]

- "The Fed 'monetizes the debt' to the tune of one trillion more dollars in unbacked printed money; President goes on ESPN and the Jay Leno Show" [Speaking of "thin air," do you smell smoke, Nero?]

BUT THEN THERE'S THE GOOD NEWS:

- "The Wall Street Journal This Morning" says that we have definitely dodged the bullet of deflation [prices of food and fuel are going up again, much to the relief of Environmentalists all over the world].

- Besides that, a rare reptile in New Zealand has had a hatchling for the first time in 200 years! [That one ought to make you feel better while you're gassing up your car. Columnist Lois Corcoran says that her old winter beater is now her main car and it's only worth $50 — and that's only when the gas tank is full].

- American parents are buying cheaper gifts for their children [we seniors are finally getting even — we never had $400 purple dinosaurs to ride around the driveway; most of us white trash didn't even have driveways].

- Another item of good news is that President Obama isn't hiding his radicalism anymore. Rush Limbaugh, whose audience has expanded since being attacked by the White House, says that it's a blessing in disguise to have the opportunity to counter-attack socialism so directly. This is going to be an education for this under-educated generation that is using veterinary medicine to induce "interruption of pregnancy" and can't find belts for their baggy pants [no wonder the girls get pregnant when the boys can't keep their pants up]. And that one was no joke!

P.S. Some congressman said that AIG stands for "Arrogance, Incompetence, and Greed." Isn't that like the pot calling the kettle purple? Considering the number of insurance customers that AIG has in this world, I think AIG may be more popular than Nancy Pelosi. And DNC stands for "Do Nothing Congress." Or "Demonization, Intimidation, and Manipulation" [DIM].

Don Imus asked Senator Lieberman if he had read the bill before he voted on it. The Senator said, "The answer is yes BUT" — he didn't think hardly anyone in Congress had read every line. And a lot of those people hadn't read a single line of it, I might add. "I want the names" of the people who actually write that stuff, Barney. Maybe we could put their pictures on milk cartons!

Speaking of adding, the P.R. people had President Clinton throwing out the number "100,000" all the time, because in a math-challenged society, people can almost grasp that one (the number of people who attend the Rose Bowl game). Now that the politicians don't want the people to grasp the number, we have gone beyond millions, billions, and trillions. Like teenagers testing the limits of their parents' authority, our new leaders are constantly pushing the line to see if we are watching (we the People are their employers, not their slaves).

It's very important that we the People do not become either jaded or over-wrought; thus the humor here. The funniest news item this week came from Wisconsin, where a P.R. firm was paid $50,000 to create a new slogan to promote business and tourism. The governor and state bureaucracy breathlessly announced the new slogan as "Live life as if you mean it." That would be good advice for late-term fetuses now to be exterminated by the University of Wisconsin hospital system, but it turns out that that slogan came right off a bottle of Bacardi rum. This is good news because it shows that even P.R. professionals are "human" (and not infallible).

So — I came up with some slogans of my own to promote Wisconsin, and these are free:

- "I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener" [anything but a Wisconsin taxpayer]

- "Live life as if you're full of it" [rum]

- "Wisconsin: Havana North and Gateway to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan" [etc]

I wonder if President Obama is still paying that P.R. firm that came up with the idea of telling combat-wounded veterans to look for their own private health insurance? No wonder the White House is in such a hurry-up mode on passing a new "historic" law every week — approval ratings for government in general are falling so fast that these guys could use a golden parachute. And a golden goose to pay for everything.

PPS: Before I forget it, another crazy news item is the United Nations "Rights of the Child" project. One news headline this week said, "Webster's Dictionary redefines 'marriage.'" Another headline said "California court considers 'eliminating' marriage."

"In the same vein," the U.N. child-rights authority would essentially ban "parenting." It could redefine what is in "the best interest of the child" and that could mean Big Nanny could virtually TAKE OVER the redefined family (to "BAIL IT OUT"). Please go to the ParentalRights.org website in case you think I'm paranoid.

If the Missouri State Police are already "profiling" Constitutionalists and pro-lifers, think what the United Nations could do to a nation now ruled by people who have bragged that they hung out with Marxist professors in their frat-boy days. I write satire for the sheer fun of it, but I don't have to exaggerate or mischaracterize opponents the way the Left does. Because THEY are serious, you should be serious. The "sheeple" thing [obliviousness] is becoming a deadly threat. You can say goodbye to home-schooling, hot dogs, and the whole Christian culture thing if the United Nations "goes global" with its beastly plans.

Because that is entirely possible, my recommended John Stuart Mill book-of-the-week is entitled "10 Books That Screwed Up the World, and 5 Others That Didn't Help" by Benjamin Wiker (Conservative Book Club). I haven't read it to know if Wiker put the Top Ten in any particular order, but here's the way I would rank them:

10) Utilitarianism, by John Stuart Mill: Even though the hero of "On the Liberty of Thought and Discussion" may have defended to the death your right to say something he disagreed with, sometimes he took his "rationalism" to extremes ["the greatest good for the greatest number"]. Equity and "equality" are two different things.

9) Discourse on Method, by Rene Descartes: Religious rationalism ("thus making religion a creation of our own ego").

8) The Prince, by Niccolo Machiavelli: One of the first atheist hand-books (Stalin had it on his nightstand).

7) The Leviathan, by Thomas Hobbs: There is no good and evil, only "rights" and pleasure.

6) Discourse on the Origin and Foundations of Inequality Among Men, by Jean-Jacques Rousseau: Ode to the "natural man" that led to Darwin, Freud, and totalitarianism.

5) The Communist Manifesto, by Marx and Engels: "The road map" to Heaven on earth.

4) Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, by Alfred Kinsey: Kinsey's autobiography.

3) The Feminine Mystique, by Betty Friedan: Betty's autobiography.

2) Mein Kampf, by Adolph Hitler: Hitler's scape-goating autobiography.

AND THE WINNER IS:

1) The Descent of Man, by Charles Darwin: With "proof positive that Darwin intended his theory of evolution through 'survival of the fittest' to be applied to human society, so that 'unfit' peoples would be weeded out." [Considering what they have overcome so far, Jews and Russian anti-Communists must be some of the "fittest" peoples on earth.]

More to come.

© Curtis Dahlgren