Dennis Campbell
New network to bring tomorrow's news today
By Dennis Campbell
A newly formed cable television network offers an intriguing premise: Reporting tomorrow's news today. Named the ESPNetwork, it uses the slogan, "We cover the news before it happens."
A network spokesman said that "by spring we'll be in 90% of American homes that have access to cable or satellite television. And we should know — we're psychics!"
A long-term perusal of the network's television listings shows some interesting offerings:
"President Obama has scheduled a news conference for tomorrow, during which he will admit that, because of the policies of President George W. Bush, the news on the economy is gloomy, indeed, with unemployment headed toward 11%."
"A truck bomb will explode in Israel Wednesday morning. Administration officials, who will speak on the condition of anonymity, will say that hatred of America, especially President Bush's favorable treatment of Israel, is what will motivate the attack, which will kill dozens."
"Repealing the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy barring homosexuals from openly serving in the military will allow military recruiters to greatly expand their efforts, administration officials will say this weekend. President Obama will declare that 'tens of thousands of true American patriots will now be free to openly and proudly serve their country, after years of suffering from the abuse of George W. Bush and his fellow conservative bigots.'"
"Severe winter weather will paralyze the northeast before Christmas. Obama Administration science advisor John Holdren will blame global warming, saying that 'if we do not do something about the scientifically demonstrated and inexorable rising of temperatures on planet Earth, we're all going to freeze to death. This is nothing less than a consequence of George Bush and his cronies at Fox News lying to us about global warming.'"
"Things will take a turn for the worse in the war in Afghanistan by the end of the year, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will put the blame squarely on President George W. Bush. 'Bush botched this war from the start,' Clinton will say. 'He left us with a war that can't be won. If he had not gotten bogged down in a meaningless war in Iraq, we could have ended this a long time ago. As it is, thanks to Bush we may never get out of Afghanistan.' Clinton will describe being shot at by Taliban fighters as she disembarked from her private jet during a secret visit to the war-torn country."
"The Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro will be disastrous. The city will prove to be incapable of properly organizing the games and will be shown to lack the financial resources necessary to effectively manage the Olympics. Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-NY, will loudly pronounce the Olympic debacle a result of world hatred spurred by the policies of President Bush. 'The rejection of Chicago by the Olympic committee was simply a rejection of Bush and his failed foreign policies,' Schumer will say. 'If it weren't for Bush and Fox News, Chicago would have won the games and none of this would have happened.'"
"Government-controlled healthcare will prove to be a disaster, with massive cost over-runs, delayed treatment, an exodus of doctors and health professionals, and the closure of hospitals. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, will say, 'We Democrats tried to warn people for years that the neglect of the healthcare system by George Bush and his fellow Republicans was going to lead to this. They ran it into the ground to the point that it just could not be fixed. If you want to blame someone for this, blame Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and everyone who watches Fox News and, essentially, hate working people and children.'"
"President Obama will ram a reparations bill through Congress granting every African American family a $100,000 government check, causing race riots in cities across America as angry whites and sympathetic Hispanics burn businesses, trash entire neighborhoods and even shoot black people. 'See what conservative racism leads to?' President Obama will say. 'This is what you get from listening to the propaganda spewed by Fox News and Rush Limbaugh.'"
"Washington, D.C., Chicago and other major cities will continue to ignore Supreme Court rulings affirming the right of law-abiding citizens to own and carry handguns, and the murder rate will soar dramatically. Attorney General Eric Holder will declare that 'by refusing to even consider common sense gun laws, George Bush and the National Rifle Association are responsible for more bloodshed than all of the criminals in American history.'"
Check your local cable listings for more of tomorrow's news today on the ESPNetwork.
© Dennis Campbell
October 21, 2009
A newly formed cable television network offers an intriguing premise: Reporting tomorrow's news today. Named the ESPNetwork, it uses the slogan, "We cover the news before it happens."
A network spokesman said that "by spring we'll be in 90% of American homes that have access to cable or satellite television. And we should know — we're psychics!"
A long-term perusal of the network's television listings shows some interesting offerings:
"President Obama has scheduled a news conference for tomorrow, during which he will admit that, because of the policies of President George W. Bush, the news on the economy is gloomy, indeed, with unemployment headed toward 11%."
"A truck bomb will explode in Israel Wednesday morning. Administration officials, who will speak on the condition of anonymity, will say that hatred of America, especially President Bush's favorable treatment of Israel, is what will motivate the attack, which will kill dozens."
"Repealing the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy barring homosexuals from openly serving in the military will allow military recruiters to greatly expand their efforts, administration officials will say this weekend. President Obama will declare that 'tens of thousands of true American patriots will now be free to openly and proudly serve their country, after years of suffering from the abuse of George W. Bush and his fellow conservative bigots.'"
"Severe winter weather will paralyze the northeast before Christmas. Obama Administration science advisor John Holdren will blame global warming, saying that 'if we do not do something about the scientifically demonstrated and inexorable rising of temperatures on planet Earth, we're all going to freeze to death. This is nothing less than a consequence of George Bush and his cronies at Fox News lying to us about global warming.'"
"Things will take a turn for the worse in the war in Afghanistan by the end of the year, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will put the blame squarely on President George W. Bush. 'Bush botched this war from the start,' Clinton will say. 'He left us with a war that can't be won. If he had not gotten bogged down in a meaningless war in Iraq, we could have ended this a long time ago. As it is, thanks to Bush we may never get out of Afghanistan.' Clinton will describe being shot at by Taliban fighters as she disembarked from her private jet during a secret visit to the war-torn country."
"The Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro will be disastrous. The city will prove to be incapable of properly organizing the games and will be shown to lack the financial resources necessary to effectively manage the Olympics. Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-NY, will loudly pronounce the Olympic debacle a result of world hatred spurred by the policies of President Bush. 'The rejection of Chicago by the Olympic committee was simply a rejection of Bush and his failed foreign policies,' Schumer will say. 'If it weren't for Bush and Fox News, Chicago would have won the games and none of this would have happened.'"
"Government-controlled healthcare will prove to be a disaster, with massive cost over-runs, delayed treatment, an exodus of doctors and health professionals, and the closure of hospitals. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, will say, 'We Democrats tried to warn people for years that the neglect of the healthcare system by George Bush and his fellow Republicans was going to lead to this. They ran it into the ground to the point that it just could not be fixed. If you want to blame someone for this, blame Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and everyone who watches Fox News and, essentially, hate working people and children.'"
"President Obama will ram a reparations bill through Congress granting every African American family a $100,000 government check, causing race riots in cities across America as angry whites and sympathetic Hispanics burn businesses, trash entire neighborhoods and even shoot black people. 'See what conservative racism leads to?' President Obama will say. 'This is what you get from listening to the propaganda spewed by Fox News and Rush Limbaugh.'"
"Washington, D.C., Chicago and other major cities will continue to ignore Supreme Court rulings affirming the right of law-abiding citizens to own and carry handguns, and the murder rate will soar dramatically. Attorney General Eric Holder will declare that 'by refusing to even consider common sense gun laws, George Bush and the National Rifle Association are responsible for more bloodshed than all of the criminals in American history.'"
Check your local cable listings for more of tomorrow's news today on the ESPNetwork.
© Dennis Campbell
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