Pelosi's planet

By Dan Popp

I've been trying to listen as we – this has been a morning that you can't even believe. On the floor of the House the Republicans are trying to cut $40 billion, that's 50 percent of the nutrition program – largely children, seniors, returning veterans, [and] women. It's a most incredible thing. I said yesterday at a press conference on this subject, I said: unless we – it was in Houston, I go to mass wherever I go, and at the pulpit, the priest said, in Houston, Texas – not one of your liberal bastions – he said: 'I think it's important for people, not just to come to mass on Sunday and pray, but when they leave here not to prey on people.' And it isn't exactly what they are doing: preying on people. – Former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi

No wonder she thinks Barack Obama is "eloquent."

I was pondering what to say about this latest eruption of Ms. Pelosi's ceaseless theocratic bile. I was trying to imagine what a government that preys on people would look like. And as I was musing on this question, I fell asleep.

I dreamed I was on another planet. I saw a man – I'll call him a man because he looked just like you and me except that his skin was purple – and this man was making a pair of shoes. As he was working, there was a large, green, rodent-like animal fidgeting in the corner, watching. Soon the alien cobbler finished the shoes and immediately a female customer walked into his shop (such is the logic of dreams), paid him in glittering crystals, and walked out with the shoes.

The rodent darted out from the shadows and grabbed some of the crystals, then retreated. The shoemaker protested, but the rat hissed, "All of your work is ours. We'll give you what you need. At a certain point, you have enough crystals."

Then I was somewhere else on the planet. I saw a woman, orange in color, surrounded by rat creatures. The rats looked hungrily at the woman, who was about to give birth. As the alien baby came into this alien world in the usual alien way, the rats rushed on it and killed it – but they did not eat it. They merely made a speech to the woman offering her the liberating opportunity to do this again, as many times as she liked, for no crystals.

Suddenly I was in a large temple constructed of glowing, pink stone. Green furry icons lined the walls, tails modestly tucked under. At the focal point above the altar, in giant, block letters was the stark word, "POWER." A rat was speaking to a congregation of humanoids, but in the vast echo chamber I could only make out a few disconnected phrases. "Brotherskeeper" and "leastuhthese" were repeated over and over in a smarmy tone. Then came a stern admonition: "Beware the theocRats!" This drew a disgusting, belch-like sound from every person in attendance, and everyone's left knee twitched, simultaneously.

"The theocRats want to legislate morality! (more belching and twitching) But we want to legislate goodness!"

I understood that this rodent was only one of a priestly race of rats telling the purples that the oranges were making their lives bad; and telling the farmers the same thing about the tradesmen. During the homily, violence would sometimes break out among the various artificial factions of bipeds, to the delight of the rats.

Then the message was over. Armed rats walked from pew to pew and demanded crystals from the worshipers. If anyone hesitated, a snarled "brotherskeeper" and a well-aimed weapon produced the desired result.

Without any fear I followed these goonish ushers out of the sanctuary and down, down to a counting room. Here I expected to see great piles of crystals, but instead there was only a large hole in the middle of the floor. Rats poured many of the crystals into this hole, which never seemed to be filled. At the rear of this room was an open door, and through this door I could see a line of alien people waiting for their allowances from the rats. I turned around so I could see the front of the room and there was another door, and another line of smaller people stretching to an infinite horizon. I asked one of the rats what this was. He said, "These are the children and grandchildren of Pelosium, waiting to shoulder the burdens we choose to place on them." His laugh sounded like a whining, diseased cough. Then he pointed to yet another door. "But there," he said, "there is where the real well-being happens."

I thanked him and walked to the door, and through it, still dreaming. This room was much larger and brighter. Here, finally, were the fantastical mounds of crystals I'd been expecting to see. But these weren't the stones robbed from the humanoids in the temple. These crystals were being fabricated, made on a huge, thundering iron press; made out of – well, out of thin air, as far as I could make out. "Here" – the wheezing rat was beside me again – "we steal from everyone."

There were several other scenes to this dream, I think, but I don't remember them clearly. There was something like a classroom with alien children being taught by the rats. The lesson was, "Rats love us."

I remember passing by villages of people. I noticed that some dwellings were bigger and nicer than others, but none of the huts could compare to the distant mountain-palaces of the rats. The humanoids that did best here, like any slave race, were the ones who worked for the rats, bribed the rats, or became rats.

Then I realized that this dream was the answer to my question. This is what would it look like – a government that preys on people. It's a picture that Nancy Pelosi and her fellows know well. It's a world they've created; a world they want to rule forever. All for your well being, of course.

I wish I could say that, at that point, I woke up.

© Dan Popp