Not long ago, footage surfaced of Minnesota lieutenant governor Peggy Flanagan lecturing kindly instructing parents on how to raise their children. Seeming very cult-member-like passionate, Flanagan insisted that we “listen” to youngsters and “believe them” when they have a fantasy about tell us who they are. So since she’s clearly delusional an expert, I concluded, “Who better to go to for further parenting advice?” and sent her a letter via computer. It follows.

Tell me what you think — and if there’s anyone, anywhere, who could better field the questions posed therein.

Dear Lt. Gov. Flanagan:

I’m writing to tell you that you’ve inspired me to change my parenting. When you said, bravely, "When our children tell us who they are, it is our job as grown-ups to listen and to believe them," it struck a chord. I realized I needed to respect my kids’ identities because, as we’ll understand if we think back, really hard, we all knew exactly what we should be and what life was all about already when we were five or six. I’m new to this, however, and still have some questions.

My daughter, 5, tells my wife and me that she’s a whitetail fawn. I don’t have a problem with this because I read about species dysphoria and, as they say, “Better a live deer than a dead daughter.” (Though it will make me think if, when she’s older, she tells me she’d like to have a few bucks.) But, question: Should we feed her grass for dinner? Or, must we go all the way and leave her in the forest so she can be with her own kind?

And, also, do you think Bambi might be triggering for her?

Then there’s our younger son, 7. He informed us that he’s a ferocious Kodiak bear. He doesn’t look dangerous, but, still, I worry. I know that bears sometimes eat deer. Should we keep him in a cage at night and on a short leash during the day? I mean, better a chained bear-son than a dead deer-daughter, right?

Lastly, there’s our older son, 12, who says he’s a Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show-winning Neapolitan mastiff. This is reassuring because, with him now being man’s best friend, maybe he’ll help us out protecting our deer from our bear.

But there’s an issue here, too: He’s at that age where, well, he’s noticing those who identify as the opposite sex. He has a crush on a cute cocker spaniel down the street (I saw him sniffing her Democrat end yesterday), and he wants to take her out to a movie — sort of an innocent date. Is this appropriate, or is he too young? Or, is it okay because 12 is 84 in dog years?

Or should we just get him neutered and avoid the whole issue?

Oh, and one last matter, keeping future transition in mind: Do you know where Joe Biden went for his hair plugs?

Sincerely,

A Lot to Learn in N.Y.

As of this writing, Dr. Benjamin Spock Peggy Flanagan hasn’t responded to my questions. I’m sure she’s still carefully mulling them over so as to provide the most sage counsel possible.

For those interested, a video of Flanagan rendering her infallible wisdom from on high is below.

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