The TSA versus American manhood

By Edward Daley

I'm not a politician, although some of my friends have told me I should consider running for public office. That will never happen though, primarily because I'm not wealthy, and secondarily because I'm not mentally impaired. Of course, if I should ever win the lottery and then sustain a blunt force head trauma, Senator Susan Collins just might have an electoral fight on her hands.

That having been said, if I were a politician today, I'd be spending all my time speaking out against the so called "enhanced" pat-downs that they're undertaking at American airports of late.

When I first heard the term 'enhanced pat-down,' I wasn't exactly sure what that meant. Initially I had envisioned something on par with the sort of physical contact one might expect if one were ever to meet an overly enthusiastic daytime television starlet at an Emmy awards ceremony; gropey and embarrassing, but not technically felonious in nature.

Once I found out what the Transportation Security Administration actually meant by "enhanced," it occurred to me that the only time in my life I'd ever allowed a total stranger to touch me in such an intimate fashion, it cost me $60 in advance, and afterward I couldn't find my watch.

In my opinion, one of the more disquieting aspects of these enhanced friskings is that they don't even include "happy endings," at least not in any appreciable sense of the term. I mean, if I wanted to be teased for no good reason, I'd call one of those adult 900 numbers for $4.99 a minute and then hang up before the charges reached ten bucks.

Worst of all, everyone at the tippy-top of the very government that is forcing this appalling diddle-fest on the rest of us, will likely never have to feel the cold, clammy hands of federal fascism upon their elitist jiggly parts unless, of course, they dig that sort of thing.

What I want to know is why our good friends and champions of liberty at the American Civil Liberties Union aren't frothing at the mouth over these clear abuses of our personal privacy, at least to the degree that they were when they found out that George W. Bush wanted to treat non-uniformed enemy combatants differently than the kid who stole my ceramic lawn trolls last spring. If they are, I haven't noticed it.

Heck, even the National Center for Transgender Equality now has a page on its official website dedicated to the subject of air travel and TSA regulations, and if anyone asks me how I know that little tidbit of information, I swear I'm gonna punch them right in face.

Suffice it to say that I have my sources, and as soon as I became aware of the fact that the NCTE was informing its membership of the current state of TSA affairs, certain questions began leaping to my mind. Among them were: what if a man who is in the process of becoming a woman is patted down by a TSA agent, and the agent discovers that the "woman" has something dangling from "her" groin area? Can an unexpected penis be considered a concealed weapon? Beyond that, are two TSA agents needed for the task of frisking a pre-op tranny — a female agent for the top parts and a male for the bottom — or do we have to start hiring transgender airport security officers now? Oh, and if a transexual airline passenger is a burqa-clad Muslim, will he/she be exempted from the pat-down process entirely, or will only half of him/her get a pass?

And speaking of Muslims, I met one just the other day at the checkout counter of my local supermarket. I noticed that she was buying nothing but fruits and vegetables, and asked her if she was a vegetarian. She informed me that she was, and upon hearing that I remarked: so, I guess that makes yours a true religion of peas. At that point she declared a fatwa on my family.

But I digress.

Perhaps the ACLU actually is up in arms over this whole TSA screening business, and I'm just a clueless hack with no real journalistic credibility... wait...

Still, I read up on these sorts of things regularly... okay, maybe not "regularly" but certainly as often as the editor of the New York Times does. And even though his may not be the highest fact-finding standard to which my own may be compared, at least I'm not asking for a government bailout to support my journalistic endeavors.

Now, where was I?

Oh yes, I was talking about the seeming outrage deficiency of the ACLU concerning the invasive and obviously unconstitutional passenger screening procedures of the Transportation Security Administration. And as disappointing as that state of affairs might be, it pales in comparison to the complete lack of righteous indignation exhibited by the average American citizen in this regard.

I don't know what you ladies think about all this, but if you ask me, any adult male who would allow him self to be fondled by some high school dropout with a badge in front of dozens of gawking airline passengers, deserves the beating that he should have given his federally-sanctioned fondler as soon as the family jewels became the object of an unwelcomed jangling.

Congressman Barney Frank may consider that sort of behavior to be conducive with just another Saturday night out with the boys, but to heterosexual men like myself, having our genitals examined by other guys is something we only expect to experience in a doctor's office, or if we're ever arrested and thrown into county lock-up with several tattoo-embellished gang members.

And what's the deal with those TSA zombies feeling up our pre-pubescent children? If you're willing to sit idly by and watch as your 10-year-old daughter is molested by someone who — for all you know — gets off on "screening" little girls, then congratulations, you've just joined the ranks of the pathetic American sheeple class.

I would say that modern American males are sorely lacking in balls, but ever since I saw those full-body scan images posted on the internet, I know that's simply not true. Then again, maybe the men (if you can still call them that) of this great country have traded in their forefathers' brass cojones for happy-sacks full of cowardly compliance and a pair of shriveled, government-approved chickpeas.

By any means, at times like these it's relevant to ask the question: what would General George S. Patton do? And while I cannot speak for the man in the sort of overreaching, faux-authoritative way that Harvard professors do about the "brilliant economic policies" of FDR, I do know one thing about "old blood and guts." That thing is that he never, EVER would have allowed his "junk" to be grabbed — or even discussed in public — by the likes of your average TSA agent.

And if that concept doesn't induce you to perform remarkable acts of civil disobedience the next time you attempt to board a commercial airplane, then you're as useless as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

© Edward Daley