"My name is Hosea," he said

By Curtis Dahlgren

"WHO ARE YOU?" asked the man behind the desk. "And why are you talking to me?"

"My name is Hosea," said the man in the plain white clothes. "I heard your newspaper was hiring a columnist, and your secretary just said I could see you."

OK, the columnist job. Did you say your name is Jose?

No sir. My name is Hosea. That's Hebrew for 'Deliverer.'

Really. Let me see your resume.

All I have here is an outline of my biography on this scroll.

Hmm. Very strange. And it says here you used to live in the Middle East?

Yes sir. And my writings are part of a book that's been a best-seller all over the world.

Oh really! Give me one of you most famous lines and I'll see if it rings a bell.

OK. "They have sown the wind and they shall reap the whirlwind." [The clock on the wall behind the desk gonged three times.]

Sorry. Can't say I'm familiar with that one. Give me another example.

"Set the trumpet to thy mouth. He shall come as an eagle against the House of God . .. They have set up kings, but not by me. They have set up princes I have known not. And of their silver and gold they have made idols."

Sorry again, and I doubt that that stuff would sell many newspapers. Where'd you go to college anyway?

Oh, I never went to college, and I was homeschooled too. As my friend Isaiah used to always say, "Woe unto those who are wise in their own eyes, who are bright in their own sight."

What are you, one of those anti-government nuts? To work for us you'd have to have at least a journalism school B.S. And I suppose you think the country is going to Hell in a hay basket.

That's handbasket!

Whatever! Even religion is more upbeat than that these days! This is one of the largest newspapers in the country and you can't come across like someone on a street corner standing on a soup box.

That's SOAP box! "The pundits are fools, the spiritual men mad, for they put far off the evil day, the time of the Great Hate."

That doesn't compute. That's crazy talk! Don't call us; we'll call you. Where are you from anyway?

Let's just say I'm from further north. I don't have a phone, but if you really want my GPS location, you could give the NSA a try. But thanks anyway.

[Later, the man behind the desk says, "MS. FOX – send in the next applicant."]

"Hello," said the next applicant. " I heard you're hiring a new columnist and my name is Jose Jimenez."

"Not another kook," mumbled the man behind the desk. "As Bob Hope's mother used to say, 'You think you're funny, don't you young man?'

"MS. FOX, I'M TAKING THE REST OF THE DAY OFF!"

P.S. Not to change the subject, but the USA TODAY has a front page story today ("We told you so") about unconstitutional spying on American citizens. According to three whistle-blowers, it's been going on for years. Surprahse, surprahse.

BTW, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to pass this column along to all your neighbors, friends, and "enemies."

© Curtis Dahlgren