Curtis Dahlgren
Rip Van Winkle, please phone home: good news & bad news
By Curtis Dahlgren
January 28, 2010

"Do you suffer from toenail fungus?" — radio commercial

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. The last two weeks have been byond parody. We were supposed to be in the New Age of Aquarius — post-partisan, post-ethnic, religion-neutral, etc.. No one was ever again supposed to make waves, rock the boat, or be "divisive." One year later, even commercials have become "controversial." Ours, at least.

The radio commercial mentioned above isn't controversial yet, but if an old polemicist such as I am were to want to make waves, I could make a controversy out of that one too. TMI (Too Much Info), but: I have toenail fungus. There. I confessed and I feel much better, but the point I was going to make is this one: Having toenail fungus isn't "suffering." It may hurt a little if you have to have a nail removed, but it doesn't become "suffering" unless your doctor prescribes the wrong drug and some of those "Warnings" in the TV commercials come true.

"Side effects include possible pneumonia, brain shrinkage, hemorrhaging hemorrhoids, death and/or you will wish you were dead."

I think I'm trying too hard; it is really unnecessary to make things up! Which reminds me of the Climate Debate (OOPS, you can't say that; the "debate" was over in 1998). But I have been to the mountaintop. I go to where others may fear to rush in. Even if we don't want to go there, it is necessary because issues also have side effects, and sometimes they can be "serious" — especially if the wrong cure is prescribed (and the government gets involved). Let's look at some of the recent events.

On the heels of Climategate, the United Nations has had to retract its prediction that in the Himalayan Mountains, the glaciers would be gone by the year 2035. I mean — these are people who think they are so smart that they could govern the whole world! I wrote a little poem about it the other day.

I couldn't believe it when they said the Mountains would melt by 2035.
Any kid could tell you that that's a bunch of jive.
You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know we will survive.
"Science" is becoming like pro wrestling where one guy takes a dive.
Sounds like great material for Saturday Nite Live.
Who said the glaciers are all a-meltin'? Him a-lyin'!

Those Himalayan glaciers are hundreds of feet think at 25,000 feet in the air where it's 60 below zero. I think we can find more serious problems to worry about. The UN actually admitted that that theory was based on a "phone conversation" between two men who were just speculating — not on science. [Cold Florida weather is even killing coral in the ocean.]

In other news, Europe is shivering. People are "fatally dying" from "cooling" all over the continent. Forty ATM machines in Moscow froze up. Snow blanketed Madrid and central Spain. The good news is that two yachts scheduled to compete against us in the America's Cup were stuck in ice. Reminds me of the story of Trafalgar Bay and Viscount Nelson, who once said:

"This is too warm work, Hardy, to last long."At the battle of COPENHAGEN

Anyway this is the coldest winter in Europe in ten years. Can you hear us now? So much for that issue, but the related Climate politics could still have lethal "side effects."

Here are some other examples of recent "science" news:

The bad news is that our Martian Rover is stuck in the sand. The good news is that there's a new theory about finding "alien life" by channeling our inner alien. Here's the straight poop:

Yahoo News (London, 1/27/10) — "For decades, scientists have scanned the heavens in search of extraterrestrial life. Perhaps they should have look closer to home. Variant life forms — most likely tiny microbes — could still be hanging around 'right under our noses — or even in our noses,' Paul Davies, an award-winning Arizona State University physicist, told a group of scientists Tuesday.." [No further comment.]

In other news, Greenpeace called for a moratorium on "industrial" activity in the Arctic, the "fragile" Arctic. Is that where all of our industrial jobs have gone? In more serious news, PETA called for a moratorium on using live groundhogs on Groundhog Day. They don't even want to use stuffed groundhogs; they are calling for robot-groundhogs for Groundhog Day. The groundhogs supposedly "suffer" from all the flashbulbs, which must be like "suffering" with toenail fungus — and government healthcare will fix that problem too (I'm trying really really hard to be serious).

There's a rumor that PETA and Greenpeace are going to merge and call for a robot chicken and see if they can lay an egg with that one by channeling alien green chickens.

ANOTHER BIG STORY: "Girls may learn math anxiety from female teachers." Larry Summers, please phone home. The Ivy League may want you back, and your economic advice doesn't seem to be helping the country very much in Washington.

As always, "polls" made "news" again this week: 77 percent of investors see the President as "anti-business." Rush says the other 23 percent must be carbon credit traders [or union health insurance companies subsidized by the rest of us]. Gallup says that, by 55 to 45, people say that Congress should "suspend work" on healthcare, while 2 out of 3 are flat out opposed to the government ideas so far.

In Wisconsin, the non-candidate Tommy Thompson leads the "maverick" Senator Feingold 47-41. I wonder if this could make Russ a "blue" dog? Please phone home; your constituents need to talk.

In overseas news, the President now calls the Palestinians "recalcitrants," and Egypt called Hamas something worse than that (I forget the words). Hillary Clinton called for sanctions on Iran again. The bad news is that Iran thought she was kidding again. Reminds me of a joke, but I may not have time to tell it. The good news is that the White House held a Carp Summit (about Asian fish invading Lake Michigan). The bad news is that the fish are winning.

An American is being "detained" in North Korea for illegally entering from China. Wonder if that would work along the Mexican border? Incidentally, North and South Korea "exchanged" gunfire last week. Air America aborted itself this week. Wonder if NPR will hire the unemployed workers? Radio Free Savage-nation is back on the air in San Francisco, on a sports station (politics has become a blood sport anyway).

Speaking of blood sport, I almost got through this column without mentioning the Bret-Brees shootout in New Orleans Sunday. I was going to say that everyone from the media to the refs wanted the "Saints" to win, but I didn't do it. That would be as "useful" as refighting the Civil War. Not "helpful."

What else happened lately? Oh, there was something about an election in Massachusetts, and some guy gave a speech Wednesday night that lasted almost as long as the Minnesota-Saints game. Nothing new there (he's still attacking "Washington"). No one said "You lie!" But they did chuckle a little. The Prez made his "forceful response" to the Supreme Court's decision that restored the First Amendment.

As Laura Ingraham says, Free Speech for unions seems to be okay, but not for business (I guess private enterprises are run by little green aliens, not Americans, eh?). One court Justice was human enough to mouth the words, "Not true" during the attack on the Court.

The restoration of the Bill of Rights has begun. We tried to warn the Democrats, while they were "advising" the GOP how to win, that if they kept pushing their luck there would be a reaction. It's not exactly morning in America yet, but the fat lady is singing and the rooster is warming up his wind pipes. Like little children, Congress kept pushing the line. Then came the big decision — Brown vs. the bored of Massachusetts — and they got an education. Brown delivered. So now they are throwing even more bones to the people who stayed home in the Massachusetts race. Don't-ask-don't-tell is to be changed to "Pray tell, but don't you dare pray." [That might "offend" someone.]

There. That'll shut up those right-wingers (they think). Meanwhile, one national poll says that Brown could beat Obama if an election were held today (NewsMax-Zogby poll). As of January 14th, another poll says that only 39 percent would vote for Obama these days. He's down to the usual 40% of the population who are "dependent" on the government. Instead of saying, dependent, let's just call them "wards of the state."

Speaking of throwing bones, Interior Secretary Salazar okays a "study" of drilling for oil 200 miles off our Atlantic Coast. Meanwhile, we can't drill off Key West (although China and Cuba can). I wish I could keep a straight face like some of these guys (Robert Gibbs, et al). And I'd better wrap this one up before I start rambling and mumbling to myself.

OH — and Ben Nelson, please call home. Good news and bad news.

P.S. I still don't think that the Congress has gotten the "message to Congress" from the People. They just know we're "angry," but most of them have no idea WHY.

The title of my first book (2004) is "NO MORE BULL: America, Please Phone." The subtitle was "A layman's view of the State of the Union." It remains to be seen if the last year's protests will translate into a true Spiritual revival. And that's the way it is, the way the State of the Union "IS."

PPS: Please tell PETA that no animals were injured in the writing of this column. Nor was the fragile frozen tundra harmed up here in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

© Curtis Dahlgren


The views expressed by RenewAmerica columnists are their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of RenewAmerica or its affiliates.
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Curtis Dahlgren

Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in southern Wisconsin, and is the author of "Massey-Harris 101." His career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton... (more)


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