I once read a saying that has stayed with me, though I no longer remember its source or exact wording:

“God help the spouse of the one who has a calling on their life, for the calling will place great demands on both of them.”

There is considerable truth to that observation. A genuine calling seldom costs only the person who receives it. Its burdens often extend across the marriage, into the home, and into the children's lives.

This raises a question often posed about men and women who dedicate themselves to demanding forms of service:

What did their calling cost their families?

It is a fair question.

The pastor who is often called away in the middle of the night, the missionary who raises his children far from grandparents and familiar surroundings, the evangelist who spends long stretches on the road, and the public servant whose work consumes evenings and weekends may all leave behind family members who feel the weight of a calling they did not personally choose.

Wives can become lonely. Husbands may feel overlooked. Children can feel neglected. Important moments can be missed. The person serving may see the mission, while those at home feel chiefly the sacrifice.

These realities should never be dismissed.

There have been ministers who used “the call of God” to justify neglect. Some have devoted their best energies to strangers while leaving little for those closest to them. Some have been admired by thousands, while their own wives and children have quietly suffered in obscurity without them. No man should imagine that faithfulness in public service excuses unfaithfulness at home.

The Other Side of the Question

But there is another side to this question, and it is discussed far too little. Yet it should be.

What does the family owe to the calling?

We live in a time when nearly every discussion of ministry and family places the entire burden on the person who is called. The pastor must be more available. The missionary must come home. The public servant must reduce his commitments. The evangelist must travel less. The person who serves must continually prove that the family comes first.

Sometimes that counsel is right.

But is it always?

Is there no sacrifice a wife or husband may be called to make because God has placed a special responsibility on the life of the person they married? Is there no sacrifice children may sometimes be asked to bear because their father or mother is serving a purpose larger than the family’s comfort?

The Bible certainly commands a man to love his wife and care for his children. But the Bible also calls all believers to sacrifice.

Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me” (Matthew 16:24).

That command was not given only to pastors.

A genuine calling from God may cost the person who receives it. But it may also cost those who love him.

Billy Graham and the Cost of a Calling

Perhaps no modern example illustrates this tension more clearly than the family of the late Rev. Billy Graham.

Billy Graham’s ministry took him around the world. His crusades reached millions. Presidents sought his counsel. The Gospel was preached across continents and through mass media on a scale unprecedented in Christian history.

Yet while the world saw Billy Graham standing before stadiums, Ruth Bell Graham, his wife, was often at home.

She raised their children during his long absences. She shouldered responsibilities he could not always share. She endured loneliness and the pressures of being married to a man whose calling, in a sense, belonged to the world.

The Graham children have spoken candidly about the cost.

Anne Graham Lotz, Graham’s daughter, has acknowledged that her father was frequently absent. Franklin Graham, his son, has also spoken of growing up with a father whose ministry required extensive travel.

It would be easy to look back and conclude that Billy Graham should simply have stayed home more.

Perhaps there were times when he should have. But no one balances every responsibility perfectly. Great usefulness does not make a man infallible, and public success cannot erase private mistakes.

But another question must also be asked.

What if Billy Graham had stayed home?

What if, many times, when the call to preach took him away from his family, the answer had been no? What if the determining question had been, “Will this require sacrifice from those I love?”

How many millions would never have heard the Gospel through his ministry?

How many lives might never have been changed?

How many people might never have come to Christ?

These are not questions asked to minimize the pain of his family. They are meant to recognize the full moral complexity of a calling in one’s life.

Neither perspective can be dismissed.

The family may rightly say, “We needed you.”

And the servant may rightly answer, “God called me, and I had to obey.”

Both statements may contain truth. The difficulty lies in determining what faithfulness required of each person at the time.

God Comes First

Some will object that God’s callings never contradict one another, and that is true. God does not command a man to be faithful in one duty by becoming unfaithful in another. He does not call someone to serve the world while abandoning those entrusted to his care.

But that truth does not make every decision simple.

Some try to settle the matter by saying, “The family must always come first.” The sentiment is understandable, especially when it is meant to guard against neglect. Yet the Bible does not teach that the family comes before everything else. It teaches that God comes first.

Jesus said, “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37). The claims of Christ take precedence over every earthly relationship, even the most sacred and tender.

Still, obedience to God never permits a man to disregard his family. The same Lord who calls him to serve also commands him to love his wife, provide for his household, nurture his children, and remain faithful to those entrusted to his care. A calling cannot be used to cancel those responsibilities.

The struggle arises because human life is limited. Time is finite. Strength is finite. Opportunities may be urgent. Legitimate responsibilities can press upon a person at the same time, and striking the proper balance can be exceedingly difficult. It requires humility, prayer, wisdom, and an honest willingness to weigh both the demands of the calling and the family's needs.

The question, therefore, is not simply “Which comes first—the family or the calling?” The deeper question is “What does faithfulness to God require in this particular moment?”

Sometimes faithfulness requires the servant to remain at home. At other times, it requires him to go, even though his departure imposes a genuine sacrifice on those he loves.

God may call one member of a family to go, while placing the responsibility of supporting that obedience on the others. One may serve through visible labor; the others may serve through patience, encouragement, sacrifice, prayer, and the willing surrender of some measure of comfort and companionship. The calling may rest most directly on one person, but the obedience and sacrifice it requires may extend throughout the household.

The tragedy arises when either side refuses to recognize the faithfulness God may require of the other.

The one who serves must never treat the family’s sacrifice as insignificant. He must love them attentively, listen humbly, and guard against using the language of the calling to excuse neglect.

But the family must also recognize that love does not always mean asking the person called to remain or be available at all times. Sometimes love says, “We will bear this burden with you. Go and do what God has given you to do.”

In such moments, the family is not merely enduring the call. They are participating in it. They are co-laborers in it.

When the Family Shares the Calling

This principle extends far beyond the pulpit.

The wife of a soldier serves, though she never wears the uniform.

The children of a missionary sacrifice, though they never stood before a church to announce a call to the mission field.

The family of a police officer lives with burdens created by work they did not choose.

The spouse of a public servant may spend evenings alone because the legislature is in session, a crisis has arisen, or an important battle must be fought.

Behind many people who have accomplished something of lasting value are family members who have also paid a steep price.

History often remembers the person out front.

But God also sees the devotion of those standing in the wings.

This is why families connected to a genuine calling should not see themselves only as bearers of its burdens. When the one called is sincerely striving to remain faithful to both God and those he loves, the family also has an opportunity to share in the work.

The sacrifice itself can become a ministry.

The lonely evening may be part of the offering.

The missed convenience may be part of the service.

The willingness to say, “Go. Do what God has given you to do. We will stand with you,” can be as significant in the sight of God as the work done before the crowd.

Again, that does not mean the person called has unlimited claims against the family.

A pastor cannot excuse emotional absence by pointing to his sermon schedule. A missionary cannot disregard his children's needs and call it devotion. A public servant cannot sacrifice his marriage on the altar of ambition and then blame God.

There is a difference between a divine calling and ego.

There is a difference between sacrifice and neglect.

There is a difference between serving God and using God’s work to avoid the harder work of loving those closest to us.

Hard Questions for Both Sides

Every person with a demanding calling should ask hard questions.

Am I listening to my family and remaining sensitive to their needs?

Am I truly present when I am present?

Am I giving strangers kindness and patience that I withhold from those at home?

Am I pursuing God’s assignment, or merely my own ambition?

These questions matter.

But families should ask hard questions, too.

Do I recognize that the person I love may have responsibilities beyond me?

Have I come to believe that every inconvenience to the family is evidence of neglect?

Am I asking someone to withdraw from a genuine calling because I am unwilling to share its cost?

Do I support the work God has given this person to do, or do I resent the demands that compete with my own desires?

Those questions matter just as much.

The Christian family was never meant to be a place where everyone protects their own comfort. It is meant to be a community of love, service, sacrifice, and shared obedience to God.

Marriage is not one person pursuing a calling while everyone else merely endures it. Nor is it one person abandoning every responsibility beyond the home merely to ensure that no family member is ever inconvenienced.

It is meant to be something richer.

It is two people – and, in time, perhaps the entire family – asking together:

What has God called us to give?

Granted, sometimes the answer will mean that the person in ministry needs to slow down or come home.

At other times, the answer will mean that the family says, “We know you must go. We understand that God has entrusted you with an important work. Go with the assurance that our hearts and prayers are with you.”

Wisdom lies in knowing the difference.

Love does not demand that the calling always win. But neither does love demand that the calling always lose.

There must be grace on both sides.

The person who is called must remember the family that bears the cost. The family must remember the calling from God that gives the cost meaning.

Those Standing Behind

Some of God's greatest works have been accomplished not by one person alone, but by families who, each in their own way, placed something precious on the altar.

We know the names of those who stood in pulpits, crossed oceans, fought battles, led movements, and devoted themselves to worthy causes.

But there were others behind them.

A wife who waited.

A husband who encouraged.

Children who learned to share a parent with a greater purpose.

Family members who prayed, endured, forgave, adapted, and sacrificed.

Their names may never appear in history. They may never receive the recognition given to the one whose calling was visible to the world.

But they, too, were part of it.

God saw every lonely evening, every quiet prayer, every relinquished comfort, and every sacrifice made in love. And the God who sees in secret will not forget their faithfulness.

Read this article and many others by Rev. Creech at RevMarkCreech.org.

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